by Stan Crow

 

Imagine, You are twelve years old and your parents convince you to go on a three-week Rite of Passage Journey, into the mountains and down the rugged ocean coast. You go reluctantly. "What if there are bears, snakes, mountain lions?"

There are eight other boys (or girls) and two experienced adult mentors. The whole experience is new to you. You begin at a Ropes course, climbing in groups of three up a giant's ladder (six twelve-foot logs strung together and hung parallel with cables about 7 to 8 feet apart -- like a ladder). You play several other "games" which are meant to teach you teamwork.

Then to the Olympic National Park, where the hiking is hard, the pack is heavy, the food is dehydrated and you really want a hamburger and fries, and every evening after dinner, the group sits around the fire and sings, tells stories and jokes, and talks about the events of the day. The mentors guide the conversation to such topics as taking responsibility for your own actions, decisions, relations, _____________ (fill in the blank). You set up your own private campsite and stay alone with only water, keeping a vigil for 24 hours. And you follow your mentor's advice -- you think about all these things and about growing up, leaving childish ways behind. You write the story of your life, as if you were looking back from age 65. Then, you return to the group and participate in a dramatic ritual. You declare that you are ready to become a responsible youth and share your story of your time alone. One of the mentors anoints you as a youth, and for the rest of the trip, you get excited as you all are talking about how you are each going to be different once you get home.

All too soon, the journey is complete and you do return home. Your father (or mother) meets you at the door and you hear "Do you realize you left your room a mess?. . . , Get ready to go to . . . , Why don't you do what I tell you?. . . Don't you ever listen?"

You have made BIG decisions, but does anyone care? Your parents just don't get it!

Rite of Passage Journeys, based in Bothell, Washington began in 1968 as a program for children of ICA staff members. Over the years, it changed into a publicly offered program. In 1989, it became clear that many participants were returning to homes with little or no support community and to parents who never got the chance to "see" the transformations which had taken place. We became clear that we needed to alter the program to include the parents.

What were the challenges we identified that we would need to overcome?
1. Mental images which the parents had of their "child" which directly effect parental expectations. We wanted to make evident that their child had made significant decisions and deserved support to maintain them.
2. The prevalent societal story that teenagers are, by design, uncooperative and in need of strong, directive supervision. We wanted to give parents and child the experience of working cooperatively on a challenge and of reflecting on what was needed to succeed. To establish the image of continuing the journey together with youth taking on new privileges and responsibilities as they demonstrate their ability to do so.
3. The dearth of positive stories about families who truly communicate. We wanted to establish agreements among family members to work on their communication and to choose a few strategies to empower their success.
4. The ease with which we as individuals and families revert to earlier and familiar patterns. We wanted to create memories and artifacts to remind each family member that they had made a commitment to work together toward healthy family patterns.

Because we are committed to experiential learning, we set out to transform the program into a family experience.

We now begin the three-week adventure with a ritual of departure, loosely based on aboriginal rituals of separation at tribal initiation. Parents begin by coating their child's face with Vaseline and creating a plaster cast of it (which will be used later in the program). They are told to study the face as they work, for this is the last time they will see this "child's face". The ritual continues as the parent(s) hold one end of a ribbon and the child the other. They are invited to give parting words and hugs. Then, the children face their parent(s) and ask permission to go away from them, on a journey from Childhood to Youth -- to return a child no more. Parents give their permission and invite their offspring to return to them at the journey's end to create a new relationship. Once permission is given, group mentors, wearing black robes and masks, dart out from nearby trees. With scissors, they cut the ribbons and quickly lead the children away. The adventure is memorably begun.

Parents are given Kleenex first, and then a list of things to prepare and bring back for the final weekend, including their end of the ribbon.

The parents return to their now-separate lives and the youth self-consciously come of age on the backwoods trails of the Olympic National Park.

On the day before parents return to base camp, each group creates a dramatic story of their three-week journey. (The Boys' and Girls' groups are now in the same place for the first time since their journeys began.) The process invites them to rehearse the most important things their parents need to hear. They then prepare their "script" and practice their roles. After dinner, each group does a dress rehearsal for the other. We have found this is a very effective way to facilitate group reflection on the most important aspects of their experience. They use their personal journals to remember their time together (and, we have noted that various journals receive added notes as they hear each others' reflections). This drama preparation also gives the group mentors another chance to discuss why the youth might want to share some of the decisions they have made with their parents. The mentors suggest that there are more benefits for the youth to uphold the decisions made on the journey instead of reverting to familiar patterns when they see their parents again.

For the parents, Saturday begins with a conversation about their first assignment -- sharing their reflections about their own coming of age with each other. This is followed by their first view of their new youth in three weeks, as the youth perform their dramas. The dramas conclude with a ritual of introduction in which parents and youth are formally introduced to each other.

After a short time in family groups, there are "fishbowl" discussions with youth in the center surrounded by parents and staff. It is a time when those burning questions can be asked and answers shared. "What was the hardest part? What will you remember the longest? What was the most important thing you learned? What was your biggest surprise?" The answers are a mixture of humorous stories and profound reflection. Then the tables are turned and youth get to ask parents similarly hard questions like "What were some of the things you did while we were gone? What was the thing about your former child you missed the most?"

We next play a couple of get acquainted games, dramatically emphasizing the challenges ahead of getting to know each other in a different way.

Each individual is next given a worksheet to make two lists for the family's new youth:
1. New Privileges
2. New Responsibilities.

In family groups, they then compare lists and usually discover a large number of similar items, a few surprises, and a few We need to talk about's. The agreed on items are put onto a timeline of five to six years. The discussion items are listed on a separate page for further work and reflection.

At lunch, we reverse roles. Parents symbolically tie their hands and allow their youth to feed them. Youth are directed to take orders for what each parent wants and then to wait until parents are fed before feeding themselves. Granted, the families who only have one parent present find this task easier than those who have three or four parents and step-parents in attendance!

After lunch, the role reversal continues with youth guiding a parent verbally through a challenge course of small items to be navigated with care.   If an item is stepped on, they have to start again. The rules are meant to reveal different communication challenges. These are run in heats of five pairs with the later groups learning from those who boldly go first.

These activities are followed with a facilitated group reflection which focuses on where they successfully communicated and where they faltered. This conversation leads to a family workshop in which they brainstorming ways to improve their communications. They choose three things they will promise to do and create and sign a covenant to this commitment.

After dinner, we gather for "Make It Different Theater". Each family chooses a situation from the past which promises to be different in the new family. They then prepare a skit of the Before and After. These simple rituals -- covenant and skits -- help imprint the idea of working to become a new family.

We conclude the evening with a campfire, more stories, songs and jokes.

Sunday, after breakfast, each family gathers materials to create a family shield. Parents have been asked to bring color copies of family photos for this task and we provide a blank hardboard shield, glue, paint and other art materials to complete the task. The work on how they will communicate the story of their family's past, present, and future usually takes more time than the actual cutting and gluing.

We next move to the final ritual. Seated by family, around a circle, each family shares their covenant and shield with the larger group and, taking up their ribbons from the opening ritual three weeks earlier, they declare their choice to be a part of this new family and tie their ribbons together. We have been frequently told that this ritual has as much or more impact on the parents as it does on the child.

Each family member now welcomes another family member into their new family, using the ancient ritual of washing their feet. We finish with a circle of support for every family present to wish them success in their journey of creation and discovery. We send them forth to be an example for others of a different way to be together as a family.

Facilitation of this weekend is done by a different team than the group mentors who have just spent three weeks (24/7) with the youth. This provides a different perspective on the final days for the youth. It also makes the mentors more available to parents for around the edges conversations as they observe how the family dynamics are coming together. During the family exercises, the group mentors are also in a position to work with the families and not have to worry about the facilitation challenges of the whole weekend.

The program I have described is last summer's version of a responsive learning design which has been evolving for about 12 years. Next summer will bring, I am sure, a few new wrinkles.

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About the author

Stan Crow is a former president of New Horizons for Learning 1991-5. He is currently co-director of Rite of Passage Journeys in Bothell, Washington. Rite of Passage Journeys (aka Journeys) mentors individuals through life transitions, offering a series of nature-based retreats and mentoring experiences. The program described is for youth around the time of puberty. A spectrum of age-appropriate journeys are available for 8 year olds through elders in their 80's. The organization also offers training for adult leaders including "Teacher as Mentor" which is offered for academic credit through Heritage Institute in Seattle. Journeys was begun as program of the Institute of Cultural Affairs in 1968 and continues in an affiliate relation with that organization. You can find much more about their retreats and training at http://www.icajourneys.org. Email Mr. Crow at icarlc@igc.org

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©January 2006 New Horizons for Learning
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