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You
are here: Musings from the Park Bench
by Ann Tracey
I recently viewed this exchange at a local park:
"Timmy, it's time to go now." Timmy runs away from his mom and climbs up to the top of the slide.
"No," he insists. Then he folds his arms across his chest, squats down at the top of the slide and stares down at his mother.
"Okay then I'll have to leave without you," the mother bluffs, "just be home in time for dinner."
"Okay!" Timmy agrees and nods his head vigorously. I won, he thinks.
His mom stands at the bottom of the slide, stares over at me and smiles: "Timmy, remember you'll have to walk all the way home, that's a long way."
"It's okay, Mommy, I can do it," reassures Timmy.
"You'll have to cross busy streets by yourself; you've never done that before," she warns.
"I'll be fine, Mom." I should say at this point that Timmy looks to be about 5 years old, and we are all playing at Woodland Park.
The mother shrugs at no one in particular and says: "Well, I've used all my tricks with him, and it's not working. I guess I'll have climb up there to haul him home." She does just that, yelling at Timmy the entire time. No fun for either of them.
We've all been there, saying things we don't really mean, and then get caught in the trap of a no win situation. I actually shortened the above exchange quite a bit. The mother kept digging herself in a hole by pointing out things that she thought would make Timmy change his mind about walking home alone. It didn't work, and it got more ridiculous with each statement she made.
There are two items at play here: respect and integrity. Mom isn't respecting the child enough to give him time to deal with leaving. Think about how you would like to be treated in a similar situation. Why should a child be treated differently? Imagine yourself in the middle of the best movie imaginable. You are completely absorbed when someone says: "Hey, we're going now." No reason given, no negotiation just – "We're going." How would you like it?
Second, she never had any intention of leaving him at the park to find his own way home. No way that would happen, and the worst part was that Timmy knew that too. It was worth the risk for him to raise the fuss because maybe she'd give in like she did when said we were grounded for two whole weeks – and it ended up being two days. Our children watch and learn from us constantly; do we want to teach them that we are not people of our word? Do we want them to lack integrity too? So, we need to do our best not to threaten something that we are not willing to carry out. No way we're going to want to leave our child at the park alone.
In showing respect for Timmy's desire to remain at the park, the mother would be better served giving reminders when it's close to the time to go. That might mean, "we have to go soon to . . . (give your reason: make dinner, take a nap, run some errands, etc. ,) which means that you have only 10 more times to slide down that slide. " Or ten more minutes, five more minutes, etc. Whatever works best for your child. With mine, it's a countdown of trips down the slide. Inevitably, on her last slide down, she negotiates for one more time, please. I often concede, and thank her for asking nicely.
My daughter gets a feeling of empowerment because she has some control of her departure time; I usually get a tear-free leave taking. There are still tears at times, and I give her a hug, acknowledge how hard it is to leave, and we leave – sometimes I have to carry her away, but we do leave. Fiona learns that I am a woman of my word, and she also understands that I respect her feelings as well even though I can't always give in to them. Win–win for everyone.
We are all human. We will lose our patience periodically, we will say things we do not really mean, we will forget to consider our kids' feelings at times, and we must forgive ourselves and ask them to forgive us, take a deep breath and work harder the next time. The good thing is, they will give us PLENTY of opportunities to practice all of these skills, and we end up better people for it.
Ann Tracy was the Network Manager for New Horizons for Learning from 1999 to 2006. She received her undergraduate degree from Pacific Lutheran University in Tacoma, WA and a master's degree in Education from Washington State University. Ann lives in Seattle with her husband and daughter. You may contact Ann via email: ann_tracey@comcast.net
©June 2004 New Horizons for Learning
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