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My Way to Finding Me
This is the text of a speech given at a Courage to Teach Day of Renewal for teachers and others who serve children and families, November 11, 2005 in Seattle Washington
Anita Garcia Morales
Seattle Public Schools
Growing up as a migrant farm worker, not speaking English well, always being the new kid in school, never having the "just right" clothes, or the food that everyone else was eating, I became quite good at hiding who I was. Instead of the noisy, loving, truly nurturing little girl my parents sent to school every morning, upon reaching the schoolhouse doors I would undergo my daily transformation-- to become the person I thought the present school and the present teacher wanted in class that day.
Of course, I never got it exactly right, and I ended up sitting in fear of being found out-- that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time-- because that is exactly how I felt. Nevertheless, I made it through the maze of school, gathering enough knowledge and credits to graduate, go on to college and come out with my BA and a much-desired teaching certificate.
As a young adult and on through my twenty something years of teaching in Seattle schools, I still found myself too often undergoing an internal battle. There were times my heart and soul would be saying something so loudly that I thought the others sitting with me could surely hear. I'd speak, instead, a more palatable version, a near truth of what I was feeling and thinking, but not the whole truth-- not what the real me would say. When I did dare to utter the words I had inside, they were often met with an uncomfortable silence, which I would rush to fill with what I thought others wanted to hear.
To live my life in this way was fatiguing and dishonest. The more I did it, the less I liked myself. And yet, living this way became quite normal.
My family provided a strong foundation, to which I could return to draw strength. I could discuss the injustices I saw in our school system with my parents and my siblings. With their help, while I was with them, I could get over whatever current hurdle I was facing. But that firm foundation was still not enough of a shield to protect me as I walked in the world.
Then I began a Courage to Teach retreat experience. As I wove my way through the retreat weekends-- full of profound poetry and prose, small and large group sharing, and time for productive reflection in solitude-- a clamor began to build in me. I was no longer satisfied being one person on the outside and another on the inside. I sensed that the inner me had a lot of wisdom for the outer me to use in my daily struggle. This clamor may have always been there, but I hadn't had the courage to hear it, pay attention to it, and bring forth its message. Increasingly, I found myself voicing my own truths and walking with myself in a much more united way.
As my courage continued to build through this work, even to this very day, I have become more willing to take on different leadership roles. I have become a Courage to Teach Facilitator for Washington State and I am an Instructional Coach in my district. I am still amazed to find myself facilitating conversations around difficult topics, including race, in very emotionally charged situations. In fact, I'm quite amazed to find myself telling you this, right now.
I truly believe I have reclaimed myself more fully and honestly through the Courage work I have been privileged to do. I listen differently to others and to myself. I know the difference is apparent in both my personal and professional life. A beautiful paradox of this work is that this intense inner work, impacts how I interact with and move in the world. I am deeply grateful to be part of this work and encouraged that it continues to grow.
Anita Garcia Morales has been with Seattle Public School District for almost 25 years as a classroom teacher and currently serves as an Instructional Services School Coach. She is a strong believer in the absolute need for meeting children at the classroom door and accepting the varied gifts each one brings to the group. Email her at agmorales@seattleschools.org
©April 2006 New Horizons for Learning
This information is provided by:
Office of State Superintendent of Public Instruction
Special Education
P O Box 47200
Olympia, WA 98504-7200
(360) 725-6088
Fax (360)586-1631
E-mail: dgill@ospi.wednet.edu
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